My awesomesauce husband agreed to watch Eclipse with me. I hovered with a pen and paper to capture his thoughts...
Edward: “We've been tracking the situation in Seattle for a while. Unexplained disappearances, killings…”
B: “Grunge music…
Edward: “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making.”
B: “You’ll always look like you’re in The Cure.”
Jacob comes on screen.
B: “Hey look guys, I found a shirt!”
B as Jacob: “I’ve got to go do some laundry first… ON MY ABS”
B as Jasper: “…I’m Gavin Rossdale.”
B: “Volturi sounds like a car. The new Volkswagen Volturi. German engineering, four-wheel-drive, all-leather interior.”
B: “There is no spoon.”
B: “This is the flashback movie, isn’t it? ~Everybody’s got a saaaad story~”
Edward and Bella kiss passionately in front of Jacob.
B as Edward: “SUCK IT, Jake”
When they realize the army is coming for Bella
B: “WHY DOESN’T SHE GET ON A PLANE AND FLY TO F-ING EUROPE OR SOME SHIT? They can’t follow your scent on a PLANE”
B: “Bella is a passive-aggressive user! She’s USING Jacob!”
B as Jasper: “… ~GLYCERINE~”
B: “Move Trinity!!”
Jacob: “I’m hotter than you.”
B: “… Ohhhh, I see what he did there”